31 Ford Model A Coupe Hot Rod 31 Ford Model A Coupe Hot Rod
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  1. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  2. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  3. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
  4. What if the Hokey-Pokey is really what it's all about?
  5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
  7. What is the speed of dark?
  8. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  9. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
  10. What's another word for synonym?
  11. What's another word for thesaurus?
  12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
  13. When building a rod everything always takes longer than you think.
  14. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  15. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
  16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  17. When flying a thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
  18. When flying any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
  19. When flying keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
  20. When flying the only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  21. When flying the probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
  22. When flying try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
  23. When flying, if you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)
  24. When flying, it's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
  25. When flying, speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  26. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
  27. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  28. When in doubt - throw money at it.
  29. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  30. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
  31. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  32. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
  33. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
  34. When the people fear the government there is tyanny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty. Thomas Jefferson
  35. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss??
  36. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  37. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  38. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
  39. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  40. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify' I put 'DOCTOR'.
  41. Whenever you set out to work on your rod,
    your wife will always find something else that you must do first.
  42. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
  43. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
  44. Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
  45. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
  46. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
  47. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
  48. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  49. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  50. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  51. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of "asteroids"?
  52. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
  53. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  54. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
  55. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
  56. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  57. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  58. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
  59. Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
  60. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  61. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  62. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
  63. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
  64. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  65. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
  66. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
  67. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
  68. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  69. Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
  70. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
  71. Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
  72. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  73. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (Think about it for a while!?
  74. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  75. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  76. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
  77. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  78. Why is the alphabet in that order?
  79. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
  80. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  81. Windows tip #248: add BUGS=OFF to your registry.
  82. Wink, I'll do the rest!
  83. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
  84. Women always have the last word in an argument, if a man says anything else it's the start of another argument.
  85. Women will never be equal to men until than can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  86. Work harder Millions of people on Welfare depend on you!
  87. Work isn't just for sleeping anymore.
  88. Worry about your own damn family!
  89. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  90. Yeh, though I walk thru the valley of death, I fear no evil,
    for I am the meanest mutha in the valley.
  91. Yes. This is my pickup. No. I won't help you move.
  92. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
  93. You are too close for missiles, switching to guns
  94. You better buy me another drink... you're still ugly.
  95. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
  96. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  97. You have the right to remain silent, so shut up.
  98. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonderwhat else you can do while you're down there.
  99. You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
  100. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  101. You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
  102. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
  103. You'll always get notified that the part you've been patiently waiting for is permanently out of stock the day after you could have bought one at the swap meet.
  104. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  105. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  106. You're the reason I'm medicated.
  107. Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
  108. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
  109. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
  110. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!
  111. Your proctologist called, they found your head.
  112. Your ridiculous opinion has been noted.
  113. Your village called, their idiot is missing.
  114. ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

You know you have serious horsepower when:

  1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
  2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
  3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
  4. You are afraid to drive your car.
  5. You spend more on tires than on food.
  6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
  7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
  8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
  9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
  10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
  11. Bobby Labonte and Dale Jarrett wave you by.
  12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
  13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
  14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
  15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
  16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
  17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
  18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
  19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
  20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
  21. You need parachute braking.
  22. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
  23. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
  24. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened.
  25. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
  26. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
  27. You carry earplugs in your car.
  28. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield.
  29. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
  30. You spend more time on two wheels than most people spend over 55mph.
  31. You watch the gas guage go down visibly as you cruise along the highway.
  32. The guys down at the informal strip won't run against you without a 10 second lead.

Track Tips for the Racing Novice

  1. Racing isn't dangerous: Crashing is dangerous.
  2. It is better to be spectating and wishing you were out there, than out there and wishing you were spectating.
  3. Learn from the mistakes of others; you will never live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  4. To win, you must first finish; to finish, you must first start. To start, you must first spend an inordinate amount of time and money.
  5. Drive your own race. Others will be all too happy to tell you what you did wrong.
  6. Every driver knows the 3 simple tricks for winning races; ask your closest competitors to share theirs.
  7. An oversteering car generates higher slip angles at the rear than the front. Keep all slip angles under 360 degrees.
  8. Wear a full-face helmet. It will be easier to hide your fear.
  9. Choose a close-fitting racing seat. Do not get it brown.
  10. Wear ear plugs; they muffle the jeers and catcalls of spectators.
  11. Good judgement comes from experience; unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.
  12. Wave to corner workers. They will doubtless be talking about you on their radios, and it will easier for them to refer to you as "the idiot who is waving."
  13. Obey All Flags:
    Green: "All Clear" - You are free to retire from the event at your convenience.
    Yellow: "Danger" - Be alert and do not allow the faster cars behind to pass you.
    Yellow/Red Stripes: "Surface" flag (see #7 above, "Slip Angles")
    White: "Emergency Vehicle On Course" - One lap to go before he passes you.
    Blue/Yellow Stripe: "Mirror" flag - A faster competitor is closing; watch your mirrors and be prepared to block.
    Black: "AwShit" flag - You have committed the unconscionable; come in immediately to re-take the written exam.
    Black/Orange circle: "Meatball" - Mechanical black flag. You have been disqualified for your illegal cam lobes.
    Red:Proceed at a pace fast enough to beat everyone left with four corners on their car to the nearest shade tree
    Checker: Wave to the corner workers, you idiot!
  14. Be gracious in defeat, and less than insufferably arrogant in victory.
  15. Remove your arm restraints before the trophy presentation.
  16. And remember, it is OK to start racing with an empty bag of experience if you also have a bag full of luck. Fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Things you would never know without the movies:

  1. During most police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a smoke-filled strip club at least once.
  2. When they are alone, all foreigners generally prefer to speak English to one another.
  3. If being chased through town, you can almost always take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade or a nearby Italian street festival.
  4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to armpit level for a women but only waist level for the man lying beside her.
  5. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
  6. All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.
  7. It's not easy but certainly do-able for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone with a calm, soothing voice to talk you down over the radio.
  8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -- no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
  9. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
  10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from most any window in Paris.
  11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
  12. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
  13. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home, or speaking of some plan to buy a house or complete your education.
  14. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language -- a German accent will do.
  15. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
  16. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always cover the exact fare plus tip.
  18. The Chief of Police is always black.
  19. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
  20. If staying in a haunted house, women must always investigate strange noises by walking slowly in their direction. The possibility that said noises might constitute some physical threat never figures into the equation.
  21. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
  22. Cars that drop off the side of the road will almost always burst into flames.
  23. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  24. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
  25. Colorful supporting characters in melodramas always have yellowish or greenish-black teeth, with silver or gold fillings.
  26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and glare -- wide-eyed, open-mouthed -- at the camera lens.
  27. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye or even grunt with familiarity when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  28. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel sharply from left to right every few moments.
  29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  30. A detective can usually solve a case only once he has been suspended from duty or discredited for having made an error that cost the life of a fellow policeman.
  31. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  32. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
  33. No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  34. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
  35. You can always find a chain saw when you need one.
  36. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  37. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

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George Carnut McDowell
est. 1996